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Billi Jo 01
Hi folks, I’m Billi Jo (sometimes) and the only thing that matters is that I’m living happy on the east of Middleton. I’ve been thought of as skittish, but I’m sure you all can understand that every time I step out of my bedroom with facial makeup on, then I run the risk of running into someone who believes that everyone belongs on either the right side of the street or the left side of the street and it’s OK to run down anyone figuring out what the middle of the road looks like. So, let’s go with I’m cautious and leave it at that for now.
But I have loosened my grip somewhat lately. I took on a roommate, Robert, about seven months ago and I even stopped running daily background checks on his two gamer buds (I mean, that’s what I told them anyways).
I worked living arrangements out with Robert for two reasons. One, well, I knew him from before and he never really cared much that I was the oddball in the neighborhood and two, well, Robert actually hounded me about it. Apparently, my quiet lifestyle has something to offer. Also, geez, it took him long enough because living alone as cross dresser leads to a whole lot of lonely days and nights.
I mean, when you look forward to the days when the landscaper comes by to cut the grass, well, they should put that in dictionary under lonely. Just don’t list Carl’s personal phone number. I mean, he’s not mind or anything, but he does talk to me when I take him a bottle of water, so back off and find your own grass guy. And oops, I only mean that we talk and not that we “talk” on Thursday evenings, but still, right?
And if I happen to bring up Chip later in the story, well, we don’t need to tell Carl anything about that, by the way. But Chip probably won’t come up anyways because I have another person to drag front and center into my story, Misti.
The roomie, Robert, had begun dating Misti about four months ago and even though I was skittish about her in the beginning, that leveled out with each passing week. Now, if there were still such a thing as true Southern Belles, I would refer to Misti as such. LOL, a spirited Southern Belle for sure, but she’s very nice (and figured out quickly how to mold right in). And with all of her good qualities, wow, she brought an entirely different level of friends into my house when she socialized. I mean, she held a small social just a few weeks ago and the game console was never even turned on and that was quite refreshing. Now, I’m not going to rub it in, LOL, but Robert may actually be growing up (because Misti said it was time for him to grow up).
Another good thing about Misti is that she works a lot at her job in the mall, so even when she stays over, she’s not hanging around all day. And because she has figured out that I absolutely cave in when she brings home soft pretzels after work, well, LOL, she quickly became like family and only family tell you exactly how they feel about what matters and who is at fault.
Now to me, all that matters is that too many soft pretzels seem to decide for me which jeans I have to wear until I work them off and it’s her fault for driving home so quickly after work to make sure the soft pretzels are still warm.
So, at the end of the day folks, all that matters is that it’s not my fault (that I have to wear “those size” jeans once in a while).
Oh, and before I forget folks, um, when a topic of discussion comes to Misti, well, she just starts talking about it no matter where is she or where the person that she wants to talk to is. I mean, LOL, to Misti, it’s not her fault that you can’t keep up with her (or even hear her).
“Well, none of that matters anyways Billi Jo and all of this is your fault anyways. But I can’t argue with you about it all afternoon because I picked up another shift at the mall, so all I have time for Erenköy travesti is to remind you that it’s in your DNA to fix things (and come through for me please) and I’ll be sure to have Hilary save me a few fresh soft pretzels before the mall closes tonight. So, just admit that it’s all your fault and submit to me like Robert does and well, Billi Jo, tell me that you will do this for me.”
“Well Misti, you obviously started that conversation while you were still inside of the bathroom messing with your hair and all, so what are we taking about? And what do I have to fix again? And how I have to come through for you again? Which I don’t mind hearing from you, by the way. I mean, you can carry on about that all day and stuff. So Misti, you were saying something about all that matters is how I’m going to fix?”
“Oh, sorry Billi Jo, well it’s all your fault that your “Charleston Biscuit Sliders” are all the rage now from when you made them for my “morning after brunch” from Julia’s 21st birthday a few weeks ago, so I’m asking for them again this Sunday when I host a watch party for the season premiere of the Dragon’s House TV series. I mean, hell, even my momma has heard about them and she’s crying for you to make those sliders for her next “stuck up” people Long Island Ice Tea Garden party at her riverside quarters. I mean, she’s my momma and all, but if it wasn’t for me watching out for you Billy Jo, well, you’d be a slave to a kitchen. Also, by the way Billi Jo, I’m hosting a dragon TV watch party this Sunday. In your house. And everyone will probably eat a few sliders each. By the way.”
Hah! I knew I didn’t buy that collar and chain thing that I found in the back of my closet last week! Also, wow, I’ve never been “all the rage” before, so we should talk about more. I mean, going from skittish to all the rage is cool, right?
“Well Misti, let’s walk down two sidewalks first before I submit, I mean, agree to slave away in the kitchen for your friends, who I really appreciate, by the way. So, first of all, you must admit out loud that you occasionally use my shower.”
“That doesn’t matter and that’s your fault too. I mean, it was like “poof”, all of a sudden, my shower care products magically showed up on that corner shelf in your shower. Besides, I think you like the thought of having a naked girl in your shower. I mean, in the last four months I’ve never known you to have a naked man in the shower, so I’m still watching out for you (again) by providing smooth wet sinful flesh in your shower. I mean, between watching out for you all the time and keeping Robert happy and working all the time, well, I don’t have enough time left to learn how to make sliders. So?”
Well, that’s not exactly how it happened folks, but I knew she running late for work and the second walk on the sidewalk was of greater importance.
“Well, I see things a little different, but OK for now. However, I am absolutely insisting that things are different this time. I mean, just after I cleared the dishes from Julia’s 21st brunch, which was extremely nice of you to hold for her, by the way, well, you pushed me off straight to my bedroom before some of them were finished taking their after-brunch coffee, so no more pushing me away from your “pretty people” social immediately afterwards.”
“Ah, Billi Jo, you ran off to your bedroom because Chip kept going to the kitchen for a you know, a refill od his coffee and you know, you were probably confronted with your first, um, excited man and all, so all that matters is that you keep the facts straight about these things. And everyone knew what was going on, by the way. I mean, how many cups of coffee can a guy drink in 15 minutes? Mm-mmm? Oh, and by the way, it’s your fault for bringing all this up, but it was clear to me that you had been Erenköy travestileri refilling his coffee in such a way that he got a boner for you and then his excitement excited you enough to hold those hugs even a little tighter and then your eyes popped open big and you got scared that there was a boner pressing against your belly and because you’re all “hey, I’m Billi Jo and I’m not in this for the man meat” and all, well, I figure that’s about the time ran off and locked yourself in your bedroom, so???”
“Misti, you’re running late for work and we don’t have time to talk about such things and all, so, um, how many guests will there be for your Dragon’s House watch social? I mean, that’s all that matters, right?”
“Four couples plus your skinny ass (on the off weeks from soft pretzels). Anyways, I really want you to come through for me with your “all the rage” sliders, so I’ll even help you more in the kitchen. And yes Billi Jo, I mean I will do more than pat you on the back and say “good job” this time. I’ll, ah, um, I’ll open the oven door or something. I mean, I can grab that handle and pull it like everyone else (and ooh la, la, I can see that you’re thinking about pulling on something now).”
Listen folks, I think I made it clear that I like Misti and all and I think she covered that the only thing that matters is that it’s my fault that she doesn’t get a get a lot of cooking time because of how much she works and how much effort she puts into her relationship with the roomie and you know, how much time she has to spend watching out for me on the side, but seriously, she wasn’t pointing at the oven as she was offering to do more in the kitchen for her TV watch mixer.
“Well, I guess the oven also doubles as the kitchen junk drawer, but fine Misti, I’ll make my “all the rage” sliders for your “pretty, pretty people” social, so good talk and um, hey, you’re still running late for work and we all know how your work matters and I don’t want you saying it’s my fault that you’re late, not to mention that, hey, you don’t know how I refilled Chip’s coffee, so shut it about all that (forever more).”
“Well, hold up, Billi Jo, I promised to help in the kitchen more and I’m going to come through for you this time. I mean, not me and these nails of course, but Lisa mentioned that some crazy brownies might be nice in case a dragon corners a hand maiden in the castle and I know that you’ll go into cardiac arrest if you even touch the stuff, so what if I invite Lilly from the shoe store over to make those crazy Brownies? I mean, she’s cool and all. Or would it be too weird for you to share your kitchen with your “phone sex” operator, mm-mmm?”
Whoa, whoa, whoa, folks! Just read back where I mentioned that Misti was “spirited” and put all her crazy talk in check. I mean, I have met Lilly a few times at the mall and she does call me every Tuesday night when Misti is taking her night college courses and while Robert is getting his beer on at the local sports bar with his other buds, but all we do is talk for 15 minutes while she’s on her break at the shoe store. And when I say we talk, well, Lilly talks a lot and she asks a lot questions and she makes a few demands, but it’s not a “phone sex” operator situation. She’s my fortune teller.
Oh, and by the way, the name Lilly doesn’t actually suit her, but that’s another story because Misti is still rambling on about how the only thing that matters is that it’s my fault and hopefully, at least one more mention about how I’m “all the rage”, even if it’s just about my world (Middleton) famous sliders.
“All I’m saying Billi Jo is that it’s all your fault if you continue to shower (or sleep) alone. I mean, you work hard (he, he) and a little frisky play time wouldn’t kill you, man or woman. Anyways, I have to run Travesti erenköy to work and if you change the sheets on Robert’s bed today, well, they need to be changed and that’s all that matters.”
Also, folks, sometimes Misti leaves me stunned from her thoughts and stuff and I find myself unable to speak as she leaves for work, so she probably thinks she has won (again).
“And it’s all your fault Billi Jo if you can’t read between the lines. I mean, Chip may like to squeeze your soft pretzel infused ass, but he dates too, so.”
Yeah, well, all that matters is that everyone needs to get out of my business for a few days. At least long enough for me concentrate on, you know, being known as “all the rage” and not the cross dresser who doesn’t want to shower with anyone. I mean, I have my “fortune teller” operator for all that.
“Why are you calling me on my break on a Thursday fem boy? And be quick about it, dweeb, Misti is meeting me for a soda in the food court. And by the way butthole, I’m still waiting for my tape measure photo so I can humiliate you on Chang so everyone knows why you wear the gender of clothing! And I ended that with an exclamation point if you aren’t reading between the lines these days.”
“Oh, um, Lilly, ah, well, Misti thought you might be interested in joining me in the kitchen this Sunday evening so you can top off my “all the rage” sliders during a TV watch social and all, so.”
“Hah! Only if you wear a collar and lap water from a bowl from the floor, bitch!”
“Um, well.”
“Fine Billi Jo, but let me tell you what will be “all the rage” that night. I’ll be “all the rage” as I wear a little pleated skirt and I lap dance every single man at the social in front of your queer face because men and their dragons like what I bring to the party! So, will there be any single men there, Billi Jo?”
“Oh, no, it’s four couples and me (and you if you would lighten up a little, geez).”
“Fine and I wouldn’t do that to you anyways, but I’m still wearing a short skirt, queer boy!”
“Well, the guys and Lisa would like that, Lilly.”
“Fine and I know you bought Misti one of those dragon ice queen blue dresses with a slit up the middle to almost her honeypot, so you should dare her to not wear tights underneath and all, sissy boy.”
“Well, the guys and Lisa would like that, Lilly.”
“Well, on second thought, Robert may not appreciate that, so forget it fem boy. Anyways, Misti is coming so I have to switch back to super sweet Lilly, so I just want you to know that I know that Chip and you watched TV alone in your bedroom a few nights ago puke, so?”
“Ah, well, nothing happened other than I fell asleep.”
“I know queer boy. It was Misti who covered you with a blanket afterwards, so cool, faggot. Anyways, love you (click).”
Alright fine, maybe my fortune teller dwells a little on the past, but as you can clearly tell, Lilly is not my “phone sex” operator. Who likes to call me names. And humiliate me. But she always ends it well because she’s two face Lilly. But she gets me through the night.
And let’s just move on to the next day (Friday) because I am not taking and then sending one of those measure tape photos.
“Well, hell Billi Jo, I tried on the costume dress without the tights, but that might cause a problem with Robert and all, so, wow, not this time nor any other time, so please retract your dare. I mean, LOL, the guys and Lisa would love it, but you know, right Billi Jo? Anyways, it’s Friday evening, so maybe you should freshen up your face (wipe that gawd awful lip gloss off) and run to pick up the ingredients you need for the sliders and maybe stop by the Coffee Shop first just to see if anything is up? Huh?”
“Well, I was thinking of doing that anyways and that’s all that matters, Misti.”
Sorry folks, but the rest of the Dragon’s House TV watch event story will have to wait as it’s still a couple of days away, but I may have my own TV watch date tonight given that the predecessor series is being re-run, like all day, all afternoon and all night long, literally.
End Billi Jo 01
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